Dragons Breath

Well – I am back from my trip! Figuratively and literally. It has taken me a few days to recover and really process the weekend.

The place I went to shall remain nameless but please privately contact me. This is at the request of the owners due to the controversial nature of Ayahuasca:

From Wikipedia:


(UK: /ˌaɪjəˈwæskə/; US: /ˌaɪjəˈwɑːskə/), or iowaska, or yagé (/jɑːˈheɪ/ or /jæˈheɪ/), is an entheogenic brew made out of Banisteriopsis caapi vine and other ingredients.[1] The brew is used as a traditional spiritual medicine in ceremonies among the Indigenous peoples of the Amazon basin.

After trying “Traditional” therapies for years to treat relentless anxiety and slight depression, I always knew I’d try something radical before I’d snap out of it.

I thought having kids would be radical enough…..

When I was younger I thought: “I’ll have my own family with two parents and the feelings I’ve felt for the last 26 years would magically disappear”.

I love my kids more than anything and they have brought me so much joy. However, having kids has also reminded me of the loss I suffered so many years ago, only now I see it through my children when my 3 year old asks: “Where is your Daddy?”

Seeing yourself in your child and constantly wanting to know “Why me? Why this and that?” All the time is enough to make anyone question themselves and wonder why I have to live with this burden.

This is not the only thing, there were other things in my childhood which led me on this path. If you read my other posts, I allude to various things that happened in my life but I don’t want to make this post a novel so we will stick to anxiety and depression.

If you have ever had that permanent “empty” feeling of worry, despair, abandonment, etc, you know what I am talking about.

You don’t need to lose a parent, go through something horrible or whatever to feel these feelings either. We are all humans dealing with every day stress.

Since the age of 15, I’ve tried:

  • Multiple SSRIs for anxiety and depression
  • Cognitive Behaviour Therapy
  • Various counsellors and therapists
  • Family Doctor
  • Post Natal Group Therapy

When I look at the last 26 of my 34 years on Earth, which for me feels like a lifetime, I know I have to really “get over” a lot if I want to live without these feelings for the rest of my life.

This is why I chose this path; that was my intention. I want to live a happy life without constantly feeling “Fight or Flight” anxiety and I want to sleep, eat and feel normally as well.

When someone has extreme anxiety like I do, it really does affect your entire body and brain. I feel if I choose to wallow in my own pain and self pity for too long, I will start to become part of the problem and I needed to act now before my kids grow up and become more aware of how this affects me.

Leading up to the Retreat, I spoke with the Guides once a week. This was important so they could decide if I was a good candidate for this type of treatment and if I was also a good fit for the group.

When we first arrived, we unloaded all of our stuff in a common area for later and headed to the main house for The Circle where we state our names and our intentions for being there.

The Ceremony:

The theme of the weekend was “Dragon’s Breath” hence the Blog Title. The Ceremony on Friday began at 8 pm. We gathered in a big room, with all of our pillows and blankets waiting for our instructions.

Our spots were assigned somewhat randomly and I was in between a lovely woman, around 40 years old with kids aged 10-23.

Her story was mesmerizing; she was taken by her father, away from her mother, for several years.

This was considered a kidnapping and so for those years, she was listed under Canada’s Missing Children until one day she was found by a police officer. She spent some time in Foster Care until her Mother was located and then reunited.

However, her mother had moved on with her life, had more kids with another person and this poor girl went through all of this. The emotional trauma from those events led her to Ayahuasca as she too had tried “everything” and wanted real spiritual healing.

On my left was a very nice lady, probably in her 50’s. She was from a large, Italian Family and always felt like she was just a number. She never married, nor did she have kids so she was left out from a lot of things and felt deeply hurt and depressed because of that. She felt unloved.

After we all settle in, the lights go off and a fire is built. We are indoors but there isn’t any heating so the fire provides heat and light. There was this huge, colourful glass circle at the top of the wall which flickered different patterns throughout the night. It was so beautiful.

We are called up individually; in order of where we placed our beds and one of the ladies goes over our bodies with Sage and a Tobacco.

Finally, I am called up and first I am given a big hug and then I am blessed by our Shaman. First off, Shamans are always male. Mario; He is from South America and he mainly spoke Spanish so it really added to the authenticity of the Ceremony. He knew what he was doing and I felt his energy wave over me every time he touched me.

As this type of healing becomes more popular, more places are springing up and so, you need to really research where you go. You could end up regretting it if you go somewhere and it’s not what it’s supposed to be, and could also end up having the worst experience of your life if you aren’t emotionally ready to handle this. If you take any SSRI’s, they do not recommend this medicine until you are off.

READ:What To Expect During Ceremony

Part of the blessing involves blowing a tobacco/mint mixture with a pipe by the Shaman up your nostrils. This sounds awful and it was at first but then it feels amazing after. I could breathe and smell so much better and it is supposed to clean out all of the “junk” and toxins.

After this; we are called up, one by one to drink the Medicine; “she” is known as Ayahuasca:

Like a Mother:

She knows how much you need and what it should do for you.

She knows how to heal you and how to bring out your deepest, darkest memories but also the happiest ones.

She knows what you are looking for and can’t seem to find.

I drank from the communal cup which I shared with 7 males and 13 females.

The taste was just awful. It really is disgusting and buckets are provided because another interesting part of the medicine is the “Purge.”


If you do not adhere to the recommended dieta (diet) before the ceremony, then the plants will assist your body in ridding itself of the chemicals — salt, sugar, alcohol, caffeine, etc., by fleshing out the toxins and impurities that you have crammed into it over the years. This is commonly known as purging, which translates to literally just that. You’ll probably vomit profusely but purge buckets will be provided. But fear not, if your body (including the subtle energy body) is clean, then there will be nothing to purge.

Yes I purged a whole lot, it felt endless even though we are on very strict diets and didn’t eat past 3 pm each day.

That is the part a lot of people probably wouldn’t like about this type of treatment: the purging, the lack of food and sleep. I was literally surrounded by people going through their own “process” but I didn’t feel like it was a burden.

Quite the opposite actually. I felt surrounded by love and people just like me; searching for something.

We did this for two nights in a row and I had the best two days of rest, love, enlightenment and peace. My visions were somewhat unexpected but brought me peace and closure on a few things.

Where I’m at Now:

I’ve noticed a difference in my attitude towards life for sure….right now my crippling anxiety has abated.

I keep repeating in my mind: “I love you, I’m sorry, I forgive you.”

Right after the Retreat, I drove to where my Dad is buried, beside his Dad and wept. I placed two bracelets I had blessed by the shaman on their graves, and I drove off Laughing and singing my favourite songs.

Now – I am feeling really good actually and want to continue this journey. I plan to do another retreat or at least another Ceremony with my new Shaman friend, Mario. I am not naive enough to believe I am fully cured but I am on a new path towards it.

I hit it off with a few people from the retreat so I also made a few friends. Some have called Ayahuasca “10 years of therapy in one night….” which I somewhat agree with. Too bad I need therapy for 26 years so maybe a few more times and I’ll be good.

The emotional release and revelations I expected wasn’t at all what I thought but it was still worth it.

I still have lots of work to do…this is just the beginning of a path.

Must Reads:

Kira Salak

14 thoughts on “Dragons Breath

    • mommythebanker says:

      Thanks! I forgot to tell you I brought the oils with me and they helped a lot. I’ve been meaning to message you a hundred times I’m sorry. Love you


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s