I have survived my first week here at my new home.
Truthfully I have not felt this calm inside for as long as I can remember. The act of seeking leads to the ultimate endorphin rush and that is just what I’m doing; seeking out myself and learning to live a normal life again.
Throughout the last week, I have met some amazing people who obviously share the same hopes, fears and dreams as I do but our stories are different.
I’ve always enjoyed meeting new people and getting to know them so this experience has given me plenty of insight on how the hurt and pain of life can lead to addiction.
Before coming here, I was not convinced Addiction was an illness while in fact I’ve learned addiction is the only disease that convinces you that you are fine.
A disease of the brain where you become conditioned to self destruct despite regular, negative consequences. That is, until I met so many people at the AA and NA meetings I go to everyday.
Doctors, Lawyers, Executives and Mom’s, Dad’s, Grandparents, etc, all of whom suffer from this terrible affliction known as Addiction. They have given me the strength to continue this path even though I miss my kids and Husband terribly, so much sometimes it hurts.
Their stories are at times similar in that no matter what they did, no matter how bad it became, they could not stop until they received help and became brutally honest with themselves.
The people around them had tried everything to make them better again either by humiliation, ultimatums or flat out walking away but ultimately the only thing that made them change was love, support, compassion and time.
You would think over this last week I would just be in one spot but actually, I’ve been all over.
I’ve gone to meetings at various locations, long walks, and bus rides to and from the Downtown core for appointments. To my surprise I haven’t been locked up like some caged animal but rather given just enough freedom to regain my self confidence again.
The little things I took for granted feel new now and I appreciate small pleasures like checking out a book from the library or getting a Tim Horton’s coffee.
The most simple routine of making dinner for 7 people and having them enjoy it brings a natural high.
Finishing three books this week made me feel happy and provided a sense of accomplishment.
Talking to my kids and husband over FaceTime brought me happiness as well, so much so, I cried afterwards because I truly appreciated them waiting for me as I do this.
Don’t get me wrong there have been moments of real sadness as well because of course nothing comes without consequences but for every loss, there is a gain which is something I didn’t realize before.
Addiction makes one selfish because our brains tell us nothing else matters but whatever it is you are addicted to. Recovery is a long process as well and as we have already been humiliated and exposed, owning the title of “recovering addict” becomes almost like a badge we wear. Just need to decide if it’s a badge of honour or not in order to move forward.
Thank you once again for all of the love and support. I am lucky to be here with some amazing women from all over the province. This opportunity has been scarier than anything I’ve ever done but what feels like the end is often the beginning.